Yesterday,
A student a good friend of mine and I were talking after my “Happy Hour yoga” class. She brought up how she only feels comfortable enough to take off her shirt in the classes that I teach, exposing her stomach and bra. I felt honored, but in a jokey tone reminded her to feel free enough to do that in any class! It gets “damn hot” in that room. ??.
But her comment reminded me of my own journey and how I don’t even think twice about being in a bra in public anymore. After years of taking off my shirt in classes consciously for my own body recovery, it has become second nature to whip off whatever layer covers my stomach and bra.
But yesterday I also weighed myself for the first time in a long time. And this confident, whip your shirt off girl all of a sudden had heart palpitations and had to take deep breaths while stepping off of the big, green Publix scale. .
And this is the work. I preach self love because I know what has worked throughout my own self-love/recovery journey in order to really begin my healing process. I know that the work entails getting uncomfortable, which is why one step was taking off my shirt in yoga...even before I became an instructor. I was forced to look down at my folds in any forward fold. I breathed through the awful words that surfaced as I gazed down at the waves of skin that rolled around my belly, which I would constantly pull and rip apart-emotionally and physically.
And so I stepped off of the scale, got into my car, blasted some Beyoncé and recognized that I had regressed. Ever so slightly, but still- I don’t know why I even got onto the scale since recently, I’ve never felt better. I’ve never felt so safe, surrounded by a yoga community that I call my home. I’ve never felt so comfortable in my own skin. But sometimes, we are our own worst enemies, for no reason other than to sabotage our own joy-our own peace. But the road to peace, to love, is forgiveness and I choose to forgive myself for stepping on the scale and feeling any kind of negativity. Each passing moment is a chance to start over. A blank slate- a tabula rasa. I choose love. And I choose to live a life dedicated to recovery, honesty and peace.