International yoga day....
was a happy day! But just like a birthday, it usually is a day filled with just as much reflection as celebration. .
I came back to my mat after having back surgery like a child afraid to go back to school thinking that she’d be ostracized by her peers. I hid in the back of the room because I couldn’t touch my toes. I cried in savasana due to the frustration of feeling like an injured puppy internally and externally throughout practice. I played the victim card for a while. Instead of being grateful for my surgery, it became my excuse to not go to class or the reason as to why I wouldn’t go into heart opening postures, even a year or two after physical therapy. Wheel pose? “No, I had back surgery.” Camel? “Nope.” I created my own wall...a wall that prevented me from growing in my yoga practice and a wall that stopped me from created a connection with the yoga community around me. I was a victim. Always making excuses and comparing myself to the “bendy people” in class.
.
And then I began to break open- without the desire or goal to crack. But I did. I cried. Hard. Sometimes so hard after class that I’d have to run to the bathroom and hide during savasana. I didn’t know why I was crying, but all of a sudden I was pushing myself up into wheel, and touching my toes...and folding forward! But what happened that really surprised me was that I had made friends! I found yoga instructors who inspire me to this day. I still have friendships from those years ago that I cherish. And I no longer play the victim. Due to my herniated disk, I had lost some nerve feeling in my right foot and parts of my leg. I always felt sturdy standing in mountain pose, but never that “connected” or grounded. And then I found comfort in handstand. When I push into the earth with my palms- with my fingerpads, I feel completely connected to the earth below me. I felt tall again. Strong again. Yoga, through the asana practice, gave me the tools for a mindfulness practice. I root down to now rise up consciously. Whether I am rooted through my palms or through my feet, I breath, chant and unify with all. (Continued in comments)
??