When you experience a loss through miscarriage or struggle through infertility, you tend to look at pregnancy differently. There’s this deep part of you inside yearning to be excited, scream from the roof tops, accept that God finally gave you your blessing.
But then there’s this other side. The one that’s scared — scared to lose another baby. Scared God’s testing you again. Fearful of hurting those around you who’ve been struggling like you have, by announcing your pregnant.
Every day as I rub my baby bump, I hold back the urge to cry. Cry tears of happiness for the baby I’m growing, tears of grief for our two babies we lost, and tears of fear that our baby won’t stay.
We are entering our 2nd trimester and I can’t hide this growing bump anymore (the whole you show a lot faster with your 2nd is no joke). The last 13 weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. I’ve been poked by needles more in the last 7 months than I have my whole life. I’ve been living on edge feeling every twinge, questioning every sharp spasm or pain.
We still don’t have answers, only guesses or maybes, for why we lost our other two babies. My doctors have been watching me closely and supportive of seeing me whenever I need to hear the baby’s heartbeat to give me ease. I’ve been put on medications with this pregnancy that I never had to be with Emmett, but the baby is growing, healthy, and very active. For that, I am immensely grateful.
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We don’t know what the future holds for us. We pray every day for this baby and to give Emmett a sibling. If you ask him, he’s getting a sister and hasn’t swayed from that one bit 😂 I’m hoping I get some peace and ease at heart knowing that high risk stage is behind us now.
If you’re struggling with infertility or through miscarriage, please know I see you, I hear you, I feel you for what you’re going through.
Here’s praying we finally get to meet our rainbow baby! We’re so excited to announce Baby Durcholz #2 is due in February❤️👶🏼🤰🏼👼🌈